Married for 50 Years, These Love Experts Reveal the Secrets to a Happy Union

When Elaine Spaulding encountered Arthur Aron in their classes at the University of California, Berkeley, during the late '60s, she felt torn inside.

Both were delving into social psychology. Elaine had reached the last leg of her bachelor’s degree, whereas Arthur was just starting out on his Ph.D. journey.

Arthur, with his ripped T-shirt and lengthy locks, served as the teaching assistant for her course. "He seemed rather intriguing and captivating," Elaine mentioned. Nonetheless, she expressed dissatisfaction with the way he managed the class proceedings.

However, as she was leaving after her final class, Elaine mentioned, "He approaches me and states, 'I believe I might be developing certain feelings for you.'"

Arthur, who was 79, remembered with a smile as he recounted how they gazed into each other’s eyes before sharing a kiss.

And we fell deeply in love," recalled Elaine, who is 80 years old, reminiscing about that kiss close to Telegraph Avenue, the renowned artery that embodies Berkeley. "It was incredibly passionate. That moment holds many emotions for us. The '60s in Berkeley were such an intense period; everything felt so fervent.

The duo entered into both personal and professional partnerships as psychologists who devoted their careers to researching relationships and affection. It was an additional three decades until they collaborated on writing the book. 1997 study behind “ The 36 Questions That Foster Love ." This list of questions gained popularity through a 2015 essay featured in The New York Times Modern Love column, " To Develop Feelings for Anybody, Try This .”

The Arons will mark their 50-year wedding anniversary on February 13 surrounded by loved ones in Mexico City. It's the decades they've shared that likely hold more insight into sustaining love than any set of questions could provide.

Who requires a marriage license?

Following their initial kiss, Elaine and Arthur’s relationship progressed rapidly. They started having lunches together, saw each other regularly, and within a few months decided to move in together. Soon after, they relocated to Canada where they continued their graduate studies at the University of Toronto. This decision was partly due to the concern that Arthur might be drafted if they remained stateside.

Part of their countercultural attitude from the rebellious era of the 1960s meant they weren’t big fans of marriage. Prior to crossing paths, both had entered into marriages with others during their teenage years at 19. "Getting hitched at such a young age is simply foolish because one doesn't really have a clue about life," Elaine mused later on.

Following their acknowledgment of errors committed previously, both were not keen on undergoing marriage once more.

At Berkeley, we used to joke that we were all married," Elaine recalled with a chuckle. "We simply didn't specify that we were each married to different individuals.

Don't allow marriage to obstruct you.

It took almost a decade before they reconsidered the notion after their 4-year-old son initiated an inquiry. "One day, he came home and asked us about the term 'bastard,'" Elaine recounted. "So, we thought it would be best to tie the knot."

Following seven years of cohabitation and raising a child, they tied the knot in the mid-1970s. On his wedding day, Arthur recalls getting some wise advice from his rabbi.

He stated, "Avoid letting marriage disrupt your connection."

After more than fifty years since they first met, the Arons remain together, residing in Northern California. They continue to conduct research and incorporate their personal journeys into lectures about relationships, with an emphasis on appreciation and disagreements. Indeed, Elaine mentioned that they almost separated several times throughout their relationship.

I refer to it as 'partitioning the belongings' when you begin to sort out how you will manage living separately," she explained, "yet we truly gained some insight.

Spend time listening to one another.

A significant error they think individuals commit is failing to listen attentively to each other, thus they establish guidelines to adhere to when engaging in a dispute.

One individual would speak for five minutes, and the other wouldn't cut them off; they'd simply listen silently," Elaine explained. "Feel free to jot down your disagreements, but refrain from commenting.

Afterwards, the second individual would receive an equal amount of time to respond, followed by a chance for a rebuttal. They would then postpone the conversation for one day.

What occurs is that you're compelled to recognize the extent of suffering you inflict upon others," Elaine explained. "By confronting the pain you cause, it prompts serious reflection on your actions and whether they should continue.

Partners may also need to ask for outside help, they both said. At points throughout their marriage, Elaine has gone through hardships and seen a therapist. “It made her feel much better, and it made our relationship better,” Arthur said.

It's incredibly tempting to walk away," Elaine remarked, "and I know people who ended their marriages when they hit their 50s and 60s. They now say they miss being married because there comes a time when having a spouse can truly make life better. However, this person needs to be someone whom you deeply respect, enjoy spending time with, and can easily communicate with.

They continue to work and engage in activities together.

Their research helps keep their relationship strong.

A recent study highlighted the advantages of being closely connected with coupled friends. "This experience broadens your horizons," remarked Arthur, who has also explored how regularly engaging in novel and demanding pursuits together can strengthen a partnership.

In 2020, at the start of the pandemic, Elaine and Arthur joined a video call with another pair to pose those same 36 questions to one another.

That was truly beneficial for us. We're constantly seeking out exciting new activities," remarked Arthur, noting that they don't necessarily have to revolve around their jobs.

We enjoy spending time outdoors as a group and taking walks," he stated. "We make an effort to explore various hiking paths. Almost every summer, we visit Europe and stroll through new locations there, moving from one village to another for about one or two weeks.

They value each other’s distinctions.

Although Elaine and Arthur frequently participate in both professional tasks and shared hobbies, their personalities and temperaments vary significantly.

We haven't found from our research whether individuals fare better with someone similar or someone different; however, both can be effective," Elaine stated. "Yet, they function quite distinctly. To make them successful despite differing temperaments necessitates a great deal of respect for each other.

Elaine specializes in researching highly sensitive individuals and considers herself more emotionally sensitive compared to Arthur. Additionally, she frequently takes charge when making decisions.

I often end up doing this more than he does, and he acknowledges my efforts greatly," Elaine mentioned as she selects which paths they should explore. "I am aware of what conditions will be like during specific times of the day or season—how shady it might get, how warm it could become, and whether it'll be muddy. Therefore, I take charge when deciding our walking route.

Respect and admiration

Reflecting on it, Elaine stated that she thinks respect outweighs love over time.

"There are numerous issues that can arise throughout the course of a marriage," she stated.

She has gained considerable insight from her spouse as well, whom she describes as "undoubtedly the most kind individual" she knows. She remarked, "I truly value kindness; I genuinely do." They both make an effort to treat one another exceptionally kindly, always accompanied by plenty of 'pleases' and 'thank-yous.'

Years back, as Arthur fondly recalls with an excited grin, he applied some research to his partnership with Elaine, highlighting the importance of rejoicing in a significant other's achievements.

We had recently sent off an article about her research on Highly Sensitive Persons to an extremely prestigious journal which we believed only had a slim likelihood of acceptance.

On the very same day he came across an article discussing how to support a spouse’s achievements, he received the response indicating that the reviewers were impressed with Elaine’s research paper. Later that evening, he astonished his wife by presenting her a handcrafted poster featuring both the paper and the great news.

“He mentioned they had an excellent evening together,” stating although a vibrant sexual connection is crucial for a partnership, he prefers not to disclose specifics.

Regarding Elaine, she greatly respects Arthur’s honesty and integrity. She was raised in a family where, as she mentioned, if a waiter or cash register operator gave you too much change by accident, you remained silent about it.

“She mentioned with a laugh, ‘You rushed off and giggled,’ but Art, whom she refers to as her spouse, showed her that ‘having a clear mind before bedtime is more valuable than what you might gain by avoiding honesty.’”

Returning to those 36 questions now.

If you're still turning to that widely-known quiz—which pops up on first dates, in classrooms, at parties, and during corporate team-building events—to seek love, keep in mind that it wasn’t originally designed with romance in mind.

We created this method that enabled us to make two arbitrarily matched individuals experience deep intimacy within approximately 45 minutes," Arthur explained. "Their connection did not necessarily mean they fell in love — that wasn't our objective. The aim was simply to foster a feeling of closeness.

“After those 45 minutes, people feel as connected to someone they barely engaged with as they do to their nearest and dearest,” he stated. “While this connection may not endure, it creates an extremely powerful impact.”

Therefore, while these questions might help you get nearer to another person, maintaining that relationship requires additional effort.

Consider Elaine and Arthur’s anniversary falling the day before Valentine’s Day. It might feel akin to someone born right before Christmas; their special occasion could end up overshadowed by the holiday, or they might combine celebrations simply for practicality’s sake.

However, Elaine and Aaron strive to keep romance alive and mark both their anniversary and Valentine’s Day with separate celebrations. On their anniversary, Arthur usually creates handmade cards for Elaine, expressing his gratitude for the delicious salads she makes and acknowledging her as his "angel."

On Valentine’s Day, they usually have dinner together and might also go for a hike that Elaine had organized beforehand.

For these individuals, it wasn't about completing 36 queries, but rather over five decades of cohabitation, collaboration, mutual appreciation, and joyous celebration that fostered their enduring affection.

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