5 Key Traits Psychologists Notice After Breakups

Throughout the past ten years, novel concepts regarding separations have emerged, including the notion of conscious uncoupling. These perspectives encourage us to approach breakups deliberately and reconsider how we can progress following the dissolution of a partnership.

Studies into the emotional phases following breakups are thriving, and preconceptions regarding gender disparities during breakups are being examined. However, what about how Do we really deal with breakups?

As a psychologist, I believe we are overlooking crucial aspects when considering breakups.

As a therapist, I have assisted numerous couples in deliberately ending their relationships. Being present at the precipice of these partnerships has taught me that comprehending why they falter holds greater importance for regaining joy compared to simply moving past them.

Workshops for breakups, counselors, online communities, and even friends urge us to "release our grip," "progress forward," and "rediscover ourselves."

There are conflicting pieces of advice everywhere: “Give yourself permission to mourn, but also try to move forward quickly; avoid staying just friends, yet consider maintaining friendships; dive into online dating immediately, or wait some more before getting back out there.”

Of course, all this guidance is meant kindly, yet it holds little practical worth.

The focus is on the future, on the next thing, rather than the moment at hand. But breakups can be windows into how we form our deepest attachments, and why they may fracture.

Shutting that window abruptly, without taking the time to introspect, represents a missed chance for development. Conclusions tend to evoke our deepest and most anxious aspects of ourselves.

Drawing from the psychological theories of attachment styles developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth—which include avoidant, anxious, and disoriented types—I identified five specific characteristics observed in my clients during breakups. These traits, excluding cases of abuse, have provided valuable insights for guiding their counseling sessions more effectively.

The Victim

I previously treated a 53-year-old patient who sought help regarding issues with her marriage. She expressed feelings of being overlooked and unacknowledged within her marital relationship over the past ten years.

Her frequent, heated arguments with her spouse would leave her crying and seething during nearly all their sessions together. Eventually, she informed me that her partner requested a separation.

She asked, "How could he treat me like this? Why doesn’t he desire me anymore? Why can’t he remain here? What mistake have I made?"

My client was displaying the "victim" approach following their breakup.

The victim oscillates between feeling aggrieved, believing they deserve more, and self-blame. Despite their desire for a closeness within relationships, they grapple with problems related to trust.

Often when things come to an end, people feel resentful, thinking that their partner has deprived them of something, despite having been the ones who ended the relationship.

Often, the victim is deeply entrenched in their perspective—while they may not actually be narcissists, their position can seem quite narcissistic.

Based on what I've seen, victims frequently have parents who failed to establish clear limits during their upbringing, thus depriving them of emotional stability.

I provided guidance to my patient, giving greater room for her partner’s perspective. I suggested she reflect with the question, “To what extent am I accountable for the deterioration of our connection?” Rather than faulting him or herself, I encouraged her to focus instead on cultivating empathy and exploring unmet needs from both sides, which might lead to improvement moving forward.

The Martyr

A different patient, considerably younger, entered my office engulfed in tears. During our initial session, she cried out, "My partner is relocating to Seattle, which led us to break up." She exclaimed, "Naturally, something like this would occur to me!" Lifting her arms upward, she added despondently, "Good things simply aren’t meant for someone like me; they’re unattainable."

This patient fit the typical profile of a "martyr." For this type, the end of a relationship serves as evidence that they do not deserve joy. They frequently embrace the familiar yet miserable comfort of depression.

The martyr, akin to the victim, shuts out external influence and remains rigidly set in their ways. Their upbringing may have involved parents who were emotionally distant, dismissive, or insufficiently engaged. They often recount having diminished their own needs to become acceptable to those surrounding them, finding ease in offering rather than receiving.

I assisted my teary-eyed client in learning how to occupy more space within their interpersonal dynamics. They may reflect on this question: “In my upcoming relationships, what personal stakes do I have if I cultivate my own voice and seek to fulfill my requirements?” Those who see themselves as martyrs could contemplate the ways in which they derive satisfaction from denying themselves.

The Denier

“Okay, so she did have an affair. Yes, it went on for three years,” remarks a middle-aged man as he sits on my office sofa with a deep sigh.

I mention, 'It was with your friend,'

He replies, but it isn’t really a huge issue.

The person who denies steers clear of the truth and blocks out their pain and rage. They frequently downplay the issues within the partnership and emphasize their significant other’s positive motives.

Typically, there is a fragile boundary in the deceiver’s misrepresentation of truth. These individuals frequently possess a past marred by hidden truths within their household, which instills an underlying fear of exposure.

The detachment they developed as a defense mechanism during a tumultuous or traumatic upbringing turns harmful in their close relationships. Stifling the hurt from their separation is unfortunately a consequence stemming from their familial past.

The person who denies reality, much like my patient, ought to question themselves with this: “In what ways am I evading closeness?” They should explore the reasons behind their fear of expressing feelings—especially anger. Additionally, they could examine the potential consequences of allowing themselves to experience the very emotions they strive so hard to evade.

The Bewildered

My patient informs me that her husband is no longer residing in the house; she has no idea why.

"Do you know what he said?" I inquire.

She gazes at me emptily, strangely aloof. "No clue," she says.

Lacking understanding of such an apparently significant matter clearly indicates that my patient is experiencing a "confused" type of breakup.

Those who are bewildered feel extremely confused after a breakup and react to the loss by becoming immobilized. They frequently struggle to perform simple tasks such as sleeping and eating. Their early years might have been filled with actual or perceived fear.

The individuals they relied upon for protection may have ended up making them feel unsafe or even terrified. Those who are confused often experience intense anxieties about being abandoned.

Since they are disconnected from themselves, the confused individuals ought to look for external assistance or direction. They should be encouraged to question themselves with “Which warning signs in my relationships have I overlooked?” Additionally, they should delve into the focus—or lack thereof—on their personal distress.

The Visionary

"My heart is breaking over this; I just can't handle it," my patient lamented as she buried her face in her hands.

"I believe you have more fortitude than that," I said to her. "Although this is difficult, I also feel that you can stand it."

She gazes upward, her eyes gleaming as she asks, 'Aren’t I resilient?' ‘I believe I’ll be fine,’ she muses.

Indeed, let's delve into how you can evolve from this experience.

The visionary views breakups as chances for growth. They embrace anger, depression, and fear since they believe these feelings can be beneficial.

For them, "moving on" presents an opportunity to clarify what they truly desire and wish to avoid in a partnership, as well as understand the underlying reasons behind their preferences. Typically, they experienced a upbringing that fostered introspection and adaptability in managing emotions.

The visionary should continue to deepen their ability to learn from the grief that accompanies loss. They should track the emotional patterns that their breakup revealed and give words to the meaning of these patterns.

They will gain value from questioning themselves with this: "What causes me to feel most understood in my connections, and how can I achieve that in my subsequent relationship?"

My work with couples has convinced me that breakups are never just about endings or losses—they are about identity.

Indeed, losing someone after sharing love and closeness can be terribly heartbreaking and complex, regardless of your readiness to move on. However, the most challenging aspect of such endings lies in self-discovery—figuring out who you are now.

Recognizing your approach to breakups can assist you in identifying self-imposed limitations and start laying the foundation for overcoming these patterns.

Sarah Gundle , PsyD, is a practicing psychologist and serves as an assistant professor at the Icahn School of Medicine, Mount Sinai Medical Center. She is presently working on a book related to breakups.

The opinions stated are those of the author alone.

Have you got a distinctive experience or personal tale to tell? Send your story to the My Turn team via email. myturn@kor.news .

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